I’ve always had large, oddly circular, soil brown eyes. I like to think that it was my eyes that first gave me a true sense of grandeur about the unknown world, hungry eyes that swallowed the stars in the sky and on Earth, stars that revealed themselves to me as words.
Would a star shine as bright without words? After all, words masquerading as names are what give stars their beauty and myth, allowing us to feel so close and yet so far away. They would look just as bright with any other name, but a name is a must nonetheless. This was the same approach that I took with my own name. Uncommon as it was, I embraced it whole heartedly, knowing that my actions would grow the character that would give my name the shine and glimmer of stars.
I once knew that in total confidence. But of course, I changed.
With the passing of years, my confidence has waxed and waned with the moon, clouded by uncertainty and cynicism. I often think now about the person who I am, a person I don’t give much credit or attention to, vs. the person that I want to become, who consumes all of my hours. I want to change constantly, in good and semi-bad ways, to learn and grow and move forward and never stop. But I do, and I beat myself up for it. I want so much, but it all seems so aggravatingly out of reach.
Every morning I wake up with the sunshine of bright positivity and possibility in my head, yet every night I stuff it back into my pillow and sleep, unfulfilled. I know that adversity is the key to success, but how can I unlock a door that I have yet to find? I know that one day I will emerge a stronger person, but what exactly is it that I am emerging from? Where and why am I stuck? Everything seems so far away. The tunnel goes on, and I continue my travels, sometimes running, sometimes trudging, but never ceasing in my search for the end.
Now, in a matter of a few days, I have changed once again.
I had a realization the other day, not a sudden spark of thought but the excavation of a thought that had been lurking in my thoughts: my goal is false.
My goal, to reach the end of the tunnel, is false. Why?
Because it has no end.
The tunnel will continue to weave, sometimes branching off and leaving you at a crossroads, other times presenting you with a dead end that forces you to go back and try again. I had been waiting for the end, for a different beginning, failing to realize what was around me all along: stars.
I am alive, and I am living.
I look around for the first time, in this tunnel where I had stared straight for so long, and I am surrounded by stars.
Stars, everywhere.
My soil brown eyes swallow them whole, and I carry with me only my uncommon name and unyielding desire to change, knowing that there is already grandeur in the world around me, and that it will only grow with each passing step I take.
– Pihu J.